Surviving Betrayal & Healing After Loss
Articles to Help You Survive Betrayal & Heal After Loss
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How to get through a breakup is probably the last piece of advice you ever wanted to search for.
The news probably still stings. The one you love and dreamed of a future with has now told you they have other plans that don’t include you. It’s probably still fresh and raw, and certainly painful.
Perhaps you feel stunned, confused, betrayed, and devastated?In part this is because now you have to learn how to get through a breakup with someone you still love.
Or perhaps you are angry at yourself because you have to learn how to get through a breakup that you may have caused? The relationship you once had is now impossible to fix.
English poet Alexander Pope wrote in his Essay on Criticism “to err is human, to forgive is divine”. Few things feel more heavenly then when someone really “gets” how they’ve hurt you. It’s easy to forgive them when they honestly apologize, make amends, and genuinely do things differently because they’ve learned the error of their way(s). Sometimes however, this doesn’t happen. Sometimes, behavioral patterns repeat, promises get made that aren’t kept. And sometimes, the one that did the hurting actually denies doing what they did. It’s devastating when someone you love deeply, lets you down, betrays you, leaves you, or hurts you in unspeakable ways.
Albert Einstein once said: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”. And when it comes to learning how to trust again after loss, he got it right!
Of course you can’t just imagine that you can trust your partner or ex after he or she betrayed you. It’s most likely unimaginable. You also can’t just imagine that you could easily trust someone new as if the pain of your loss was null and void. That would be a betrayal of yourself and a possible set up for “relationship disaster 2.0”.
Learning how to trust again after loss is not as simple as waving an imaginary magic wand over your broken heart. Wouldn’t it be great, if all it took were three strokes of this wand; and then “poof”: out goes your pain and in comes a renewed sense of trust?
John Lennon once said; “Life is what happens when you are out making other plans”.
It’s a great anecdote for when the unexpected “life events” feel good, but not so much for when they don’t. Sometimes these unexpected life events such as a sudden break up, or betrayal trauma such as discovering an affair can shatter your heart and leave you feeling hopeless about ever finding happiness again. Though not true, it feels that way. And feeling that way can be a tough rut to get out of.
So how can people authentically find hope when life hurts?
It goes without saying that breaking up is hard to do. Even in the age of modern love, where most people will find themselves having two to three significant partners during their adult life span, the heartbreak that accompanies an unwanted ending to a relationship can crush one’s soul. In fact, there’s even medical evidence supporting what artists, poets and playwrights throught-out the centuries have always known: that people can indeed die of a broken heart.
The unthinkable has just happened: your spouse has announced they're contemplating divorce. With your whole world turned upside down, what are you supposed to do now?
As a licensed therapist what I can tell you is that the end of your story has not yet been written. There is still hope. I'm not promising it will be easy, but if you're committed to figuring this out, you can.
So let's begin. There’s an old saying: It takes two to tango.
What’s missing from this old saying is that it also takes two to repair.